Where did it go wrong?

It was all planned out. Everything taken into account. So, when did it happen? When have I made that one mistake which led to my downfall?

I have been here so often. In this very courtroom, seeing criminals be taken down. Or walking free. It works the other way around as well. Innocent people being convicted, being punished. Innocent and guilty. As I watched, I soon came to realize that it did not matter that much.

I have watched, observed their every move over these years. If only I observed and analysed them long enough, I should manage to avoid the mistakes they made, right? Since I have talked to so many of them. Questioned them about every aspect of their crimes, if they even committed them. Not that that mattered anymore, when they came to me. Their verdict had already been spoken at that point. How they committed their crimes and why they did what they did. If they felt regret, if they wanted to change the past and have done something in another way. To escape their punishment.

Maybe I would have gotten away. A few years ago. When it had been different. With all these prosecutors only obsessed with their winning streaks. How easy it would have been for me back then.

Under different circumstances I might have won. I almost did, did I not?

If you had not taken up that case.

That is where it really went wrong, did it not? When you arrived in the picture. Because you had no place that picture, so perfectly painted by me.
I did not think you would dare to take this case. But, daring really is the wrong word here, is it not? Wanted or desire are perhaps more fitting. You had – and still have – no reason to help someone like this. No reason to even want to help someone like this. A person who I know has hurt you before.

Deeply.

I had calculated that. That you would not help, would not come to that person’s rescue, so to say.

Help a convict. A convicted criminal who has hurt you as well. It was personal. So personal that I just thought it would be perfect. Not even the best defence attorney would oppose me, were I to choose that one person as my scapegoat.

Maybe you will be able to tell me when this is over.

Explain to me, why you did what you did. Helped someone you surely must hate very much. Are there no other people you could have helped instead? Who would have deserved it more to have you by their side, helping them?
I thought I had you figured out. I really did. It only dawned to me recently that I might have just projected my own feelings onto you. I would never help such a person. So why would anyone else? Why would you?

But you did.

Maybe someone like me will never be able to really understand a good person such as you. We really should have a talk one day. Not too far in the future, I hope, as it seems I will not have one.

Even now I cannot help, but feel intrigued by you. I blame my professional curiosity for that.

Maybe with you by my side, even I could escape the punishment that seems to await me. Of course, you would never take up my defence, would you not? Since you know I did it.

That is what it is really about. The truth that I did it. As someone who has lied so often, it sure feels strange facing the truth for what feels like the very first time. It is not a bad feeling. It feels kind of liberating.

I should hate you. I had hoped I would never end up in this position, in this exact place that I have observed so many times from the other, safe side. Thanks to you I am in just that position. Facing my worst fears. But the thing is, I do not really feel afraid anymore. I have to admit that.

Though I was so confident that I would manage to get away with all of this, I cannot deny that there had always been this nagging feeling in the back of my head ever since I have committed my crime. Dread. Haunting me every waking moment. Which is now gone.

I never understood it before. How the others confessed right there on the spot. If one just kept on, lying and lying, then one is bound to go free in the end, right? If only one is good enough, of course. That’s what I thought. Used to think. I also used to think that I was good enough, but I was wrong there, as it turned out.

They all must have felt this dread as well. It is something you cannot escape, I believe. Another price you pay for the crimes you have committed.

“It was you who did it, right?”

You look me right into the eyes. Maybe I only imagine it, but I feel no hatred on your side. Though I would have expected it.

“Dr. Nodie Lyra, you are the true culprit.”

Never before have I understood it. Even though they have told me their reasons, or some of them. I still do not believe that one can share their whole truth with another person. Even – or especially? – their psychiatrist. What drives people to confess, when there still could have been a way out.

Now I am the one standing here. The whole court is watching us and it feels like we are the only ones existing right now. In a way it has only ever been between us two, has it not?

You are my doom. When I walked in and saw you, I knew this would not be easy any longer. In the back of my head, the feeling of dread had intensified. Thinking back is always hard, but maybe I even considered that you could bring my defeat.

That is the thing with plans. They are only good if everything happens just as calculated. As soon as something unexpected happens, they do not matter anymore.

My lips form a slight smile. It is involuntarily, but strangely genuine. When have I last smiled truthfully?

I can still choose to keep on lying. Living. Just one simple lie. We could go on like this for some time, then time would run out. By the end of the day I could just walk away from this. I could manage it. Run away from this country, never looking back.

You know that. I know that.

I have already thought of a few things to say. A few lies I could tell. To buy myself time.

I avert my eyes from yours.

That feeling, that dread. As soon as I run it will return. Haunt me forever. That is how it works, right? At some point, you just become tired of that. Of running, of hiding, of that constant fear of getting caught anyway in the end. Not having control over your own fate. Your own end.

Where did it go wrong?

The answer is so simple. If only I had the courage to see it sooner. There was no thing that went wrong. Nothing at all. I was wrong. I am wrong. I made the wrong decision. And I must now pay the price for it.

I was wrong. I got it all upside down.

You are not my doom.

That has always been my role.

“I confess.”